celebrate

It happens every year, but I managed to hold it back until just before dinner this time. The tears always come and I feel so petty and selfish and silly. But there it is anyway. 

I have this aching longing to be special and celebrated, and every year, when my birthday is just another day it breaks my heart all over again. What a thing for a grown up to cry about. But, it's my birthday. I can cry if I want to. 

a lot to learn.

She is learning her strength and how to be a big sister. He is learning his capacity for compassion grows with practice. I am learning to slow down and hold on and let go. 

messages

Apparently I needed to hear it. 

Let go. You are not in control. Let yourself be carried a bit. There are strong arms here. 

journey

“And the world cannot be discovered by a journey of miles, no matter how long, but only by a spiritual journey, a journey of one inch, very arduous and humbling and joyful, by which we arrive at the ground at our own feet, and learn to be at home.” 

― Wendell Berry, 

Embarking on the journey of being comfortable in my own -gently expanding- skin.

 

Like

thaw

I wait all winter for this day. The sun brings warmth and light. The snow is melting and I thaw a little too.

mud season and maple syrup

Sticky. Stuck. It feels like life is opening up all around me, but somehow I am stuck just watching it happen. So many possibilities (and a few of them just may be perfect) and I cannot move towards them. Not yet. I am ready for spring in so many ways, but more snow is coming tonight.

quoted

"The dying have a quality that even a child senses. Not because they are already removed, but because even young hearts sense their inability to stay longer. Behind the looks of sickness or fear is also the look of the long distance traveler, bags on the floor, eyes tired but nervous for any change that may come. They are the ones going on the twenty-hour flights, and although we don’t envy their coming discomfort or time-zone skips, tomorrow they will be *there*— the place that both terrifies and thrills us. We peek at the ticket they hold, the inconceivably far destination written there, impossible yet monstrously alluring. What will it smell like where they will be tomorrow? What is it like to sleep there?" 

JONATHAN CARROLL