full and empty

My due date was yesterday. Come and gone and nothing is different today except the feeling that I'm getting further away from something important. I keep catching myself looking out the window and checking for messages, as if somehow the baby is going to arrive that way. Except I'm not sure it's the baby I'm looking for. 

I am trusting her to come when she is ready, and my body knows what to do. I am uncomfortable and tired, but okay to wait for her. To wait with her. 

That, I think, it what I'm looking for. Someone to wait with me. My husband has an endless list of projects to complete and work to be done, and his own waiting to do. My daughter is three and doesn't know what waiting is. They are my heart and my world, but they cannot sit and wait with me. 

I have a list of people who could be holding this space with me. It is just as long as the list of people who aren't. And it's hard not to be a little broken hearted. 

celebrate

It happens every year, but I managed to hold it back until just before dinner this time. The tears always come and I feel so petty and selfish and silly. But there it is anyway. 

I have this aching longing to be special and celebrated, and every year, when my birthday is just another day it breaks my heart all over again. What a thing for a grown up to cry about. But, it's my birthday. I can cry if I want to. 

a lot to learn.

She is learning her strength and how to be a big sister. He is learning his capacity for compassion grows with practice. I am learning to slow down and hold on and let go. 

messages

Apparently I needed to hear it. 

Let go. You are not in control. Let yourself be carried a bit. There are strong arms here. 

journey

“And the world cannot be discovered by a journey of miles, no matter how long, but only by a spiritual journey, a journey of one inch, very arduous and humbling and joyful, by which we arrive at the ground at our own feet, and learn to be at home.” 

― Wendell Berry, 

Embarking on the journey of being comfortable in my own -gently expanding- skin.

 

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thaw

I wait all winter for this day. The sun brings warmth and light. The snow is melting and I thaw a little too.

mud season and maple syrup

Sticky. Stuck. It feels like life is opening up all around me, but somehow I am stuck just watching it happen. So many possibilities (and a few of them just may be perfect) and I cannot move towards them. Not yet. I am ready for spring in so many ways, but more snow is coming tonight.